Humour

Students Left in Unsupervised Classroom Behave Themselves

Vassos_image_satire

By David Vassos

School administrators from Anglican all-boys school Royal St. George’s College were left astonished yesterday after a group of students who were accidentally left alone in a classroom after its door was left unlocked behaved and acted in a calm, orderly manner.

“I ran back as fast as I could,” said Luke Rankin, Science Teacher, who, while waiting in Ketchum Hall for some of Chef Corey’s famous pasta, realized that he had left Room 210 open. “I feared for the safety of the College. However, when I came back, I saw that they weren’t destroying the classroom. They were sitting down and engaged in a peaceful conversation. It was absolutely bizarre.”

Rankin notified Dave Fitzpatrick, Dean of Students, who immediately dialed 911 and notified the proper authorities.

Police and medical personnel promptly arrived on the scene. The boys were brought into a closed medical environment for research purposes, while the classroom was quarantined and is currently being examined by forensics experts and crime scene investigators.

Dr. Robert Buttman, a professor of adolescent psychology at University of Toronto, explained some of the science behind the incident.

“The adolescent mind is incapable of behaving on its own,” said Buttman. “If left alone or unsupervised, they will become rebellious, defiant, and unruly. However, once they turn eighteen, their brains gain the ability to feel empathy, and whenever they feel like acting in such a boorish manner, they consider the effect it may have on people. Currently, we believe that this incident was the result of premature development in the subjects’ brains. This is highly unlikely, as there is no record of anyone under eighteen behaving like this. There are a few other possible causes though, the most likely being that the boys were found in a drug-induced state.”

The incident has caused students to begin a dialogue with administrators about the availability of the school’s space and the maturity of students.

“This is a huge win for us,” said Grade Twelve Student Joey McMan. “It’s been frustrating, because I haven’t been able to find a quiet place to sit down and work ever since they started locking classrooms. The teachers have justified it by claiming that we can’t be trusted when we’re by ourselves, but these guys have proved to the higher-ups that we can behave on our own, which is amazing.”

Fitzpatrick said that this incident has caused him to rethink his outlook on student supervision.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s