Scientists Discover Universe Revolves Around Local Boy


By Dominic Hanna

Jacob Michaels, a 9th grade student at Royal St. George’s College (RSGC) in downtown Toronto, was discovered to be the centre of the universe on the 18th of February.

“[We] were surprised, but in hindsight, it was predictable,” says George Alphonse, the Swiss astrophysicist who spearheaded the project to locate the geographical centre of the universe. Alphonse and his team were working on Llullaillaco, a mountain on the border of Chile and Argentina when they made the important discovery. “If enough people kept believing the planet was centred on them, it was bound to be true eventually. That’s just basic statistics,” Alphonse stated.

The project, which was funded by the Smithsonian’s National Air and Space Museum, began in August of 2012. “It’s no secret the we were losing our funding,” said Alphonse. “As we zoned in closer to the planet, and then to Toronto, Ontario, Canada, our backers became more sceptical.”

This discovery carries large implications for science and religion alike, as many believe the world to be centered by its purest entity. Many devotees of various religious orientations have begun to flock to the house of this special boy, which has been declared a holy sight in Catholic and Taoist circles. The Toronto Police Department has set up a perimeter around the Etobicoke home to protect the boy and His family from potential extremists.

Some of Michaels’ classmates are doubtful of the validity of the revelation. “He’s not so great,” said fellow 9th grade RSGC student Timothy Park. “I have a higher mark than Him in Science, Geography, French, and Math!”

Parents and students have also noticed a tangible amount of favouritism directed towards Michaels by the schools’ instructors and administrators. After being invited to give communion during a school chapel service and given the password to the school’s grade system, resentment seems to be building up among Michael’s peers. “What about being the Messiah makes Him better than me?” complained 12th grade student Jamie McKeans.

Michaels’ parents are proud, yet concerned, about what the discovery will do to their son’s ego. “I’m worried that it might get to his head, being the middle of the earth,” said Heather Michaels, mother of Jacob. “It does give me something to lord over the other ladies at my book club, though. ‘What did your son do this year?’ ‘Oh, you know, have a holiday named after Him.’”

Although Michaels’ father was unavailable for comment, his coworkers and friends notice that he seems unaffected by the hullabaloo surrounding his son. “He is the virgin Mary!” says neighbour Matthew Smith. “I tell you what, if my son was Jesus, I’d be a little prouder and supportive than he is being.”

“I don’t think this will change Him. He is true of heart and strong of soul. He has always been a great person, and He always will be,” said Michaels, who has taken to referring to Himself in the third person. “This will defiantly (sic) teach His parents not to take away his X-Box, regardless of how late He may have stayed up playing it.”

“He has always felt as if He possessed and intergalactic importance,” Michaels continued. “The confirmation of such knowledge merely further proves His all-powerful intelligence and knowledge. Although His second grade teacher may have told His class that they were all special, Michaels always knew he was specialer (sic) than the others.”

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