Humour

Trump Promises to Build Bubble Around the United States

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump speaks at the NRA Leadership Forum on Friday, May 20, 2016, in Louisville, Ky. (Mark Cornelison/Lexington Herald-Leader/TNS)

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump speaks at the NRA Leadership Forum on Friday, May 20, 2016, in Louisville, Ky. (Mark Cornelison/Lexington Herald-Leader/TNS)

By Cam Raymond

Just after a victorious Super Tuesday, presidential candidate Donald J. Trump came out with another divisive policy. As of Wednesday, March 9th, Trump announced plans to enclose the entire United States in a giant bubble dome.

“When I’m el presidenté,” Trump said this Wednesday, “I will go even further to keep the American people safe from illegal aliens by building the largest dome the world has ever seen. No longer will these shifty aliens be able to sneak into our once great nation, go unnoticed, and steal jobs from hard-working Americans!”

He then went on to describe how this would, “stop these aliens from flying in under the radar. When we become the largest domed nation this planet has ever seen, the aliens will be too intimidated to even think about invading our great country.”

One of Trump’s major opponents, Marco Rubio, fired back at Trump, posing the question. “Does Trump even know what people mean when they call someone an illegal alien? He knows they don’t mean actual space aliens, right?”

Trump quickly dismissed these inquiries as “liberal propaganda,” calling Rubio, “a good-for-nothing twerp who knows absolutely nothing about bubbles. Or aliens for that matter!”

Hillary Clinton, currently leading the Democratic race, raised some practical questions: “How would Mr. Trump even go about building such a large dome? What if people want to travel to the US? How would international flights work in the first domed country?”

Trump shot back at Clinton on Twitter saying, “Shillary doesn’t even understand the purpose of the bubble! It’s to keep people out you #bonehead!” When asked about the logistics of building such an enclosure, Trump stated, “I’ll have my best bubble people working on it!”

When asked about how he would deal with Hawaii and the Virgin Islands, Trump answered, “I’m not worried about a couple islands that no one cares about. The aliens can have those for all I care. I’m worried about saving America from th-those creatures!”

Margaret Hensley, a 56-year-old retired school bus driver and active Trump supporter, is thrilled with the new policy. “I’m glad someone is finally doing something about these darn illegal aliens.” She cites aliens as the reason for her husband, Herbert Hensley’s, death: “Herbert would’ve been 60 in July if it wasn’t for those darn aliens.”

Herbert Hensley passed away trying to light three m-60 firecrackers that he had taped together.

Ms. Hensley has placed blame on the people who made the fireworks, though she admits to not knowing if the workers who made the fireworks were aliens or not.

One thing is certain: this announcement has sure helped Trump in the polls. Within two hours of the announcement, Trump went up 5% in the polls, increasing his lead against Cruz to a 15% gap and Rubio 20%.

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