One Little Pig


Snout by Quinn Dombrowski is licensed under CC by 2.0

By Graeme Edwards

Knock, knock, knock. That’s all Old Major could hear. Knock, knock, knock. The pig’s eyes were closed, his front hooves covering his ears. Yet he still heard the knocking. He was at the door now, the farthest point in the room from the fireplace. How can I hear that wolf knocking on the pot from all the way over here? Old Major removed his hooves from his ears. The knocking had stopped. The pig trotted over to the pot sitting at the opposite end of the room and peeked in. Nothing but a dead wolf, Old Major thought to himself.

Knock, knock, knock. The knocking wasn’t coming from the pot at all. “This is the police! Open up!”

Old Major ran to the door and swung it open. “Thank Babe, you’re here. We were so scared. This wolf, I think he said his name was Wiley. No, not Wiley, but a common wolf name. Anyways, this wolf was stalking my brothers and me for weeks. Snowball, that’s my brother, he said he’d heard of stories of a wolf, a bad wolf, that lived forever and turned everything it saw into nothing but dust. Little pigs like us were his favourite, though. My other brother, Napoleon’s his name, he went out to fight the wolf. He didn’t come back, though, so I told Snowball to go out and see if he was still alive. He didn’t come back either.”

“Sir, just calm down,” said Officer Grizz Lee. “We got a call about a noise disturbance and now you’re tellin’ me that this wolf-”

“Bad wolf. A really big wolf too.”

“Right. This bad, big wolf killed your two brothers.”

“And ate them! Well, I don’t know for sure, but he probably ate them.”

“Alright, I’ve gotta call in some backup.” Officer Lee unclipped his radio from his vest and started to talk into it. “Dispatch, I need backup out here. That noise disturbance might have just turned into a double homicide. I need a squad car to sweep the area and see if they can catch this guy.” Lee clipped the radio back to his shirt and turned to find Old Major sitting on the floor. “Mr.?”

“Old Major, Officer,” said the pig as he stood up.

“Right. Well, Old Major, if this wolf ate your brothers, why are you okay?”

“I hid, Officer. I thought I was safe in my house. It’s made of bricks you know.”

“Yes. I happened to see the exterior when I drove up.”

“Yes, bricks, much safer than sticks or hay. My brothers didn’t listen to me. I said to them, ‘you have to use sturdy materials to build your houses, no matter the price,’ but they didn’t listen to me. The wolf had only to blow a little on the outside and the houses came toppling down. The wolf couldn’t blow my house down, though. And, believe me, he tried. But he wasn’t getting in. No, not by the hair on my chinny chin chin.”

“Alright. It seems we’re safe in here then. Tell me what happened, and go from the start. Like, when did you first notice this wolf?”

“Well, it was just a couple of days ago when I was making dinner. I looked out the window and I saw this figure with huge eyes and a giant nose. He looked like he was smelling something. Then he started to smile. He had such big, sharp teeth. Then he just vanished into the forest.”

“So he hasn’t been stalking you for weeks.”

“No, I would have done something if it had been weeks. Anyways, I just passed it off as some hungry, wild dog who’d smelled my grass stew. Then the wolf came back. I was washing my lederhosen by the river when the wolf showed up again. He looked like he was sniffing at the air, until his eyes locked on me. And then he smiled again and disappeared. Then, tonight, I was watching the news, something about a girl with a crimson cape or something, when Napoleon called me. He said that there was this wolf yelling at him from outside, saying to let him in or he’d blow the house down. I tried to tell him to get out, but then the line went dead. The wolf must’ve eaten him right then and there.”

“So Napoleon wasn’t with you tonight? And what about Snowball?”

“The wolf must’ve gone to Snowball’s house after he ate Napoleon. Snowball’s house was made of sticks, not much sturdier than straw. Poor Snowball.”

“So neither of your brothers were here with you tonight.” The officer’s radio beeped suddenly, startling the young pig. “Officer Lee, we did a search around the house and couldn’t find anything.

“Are you sure,” asked the bear. “No sign of any wolf?”

“Not even any tracks, sir. Besides, the last wolf in these parts was arrested months ago. I hear he just went to trial for the murder of that old lady and her granddaughter.”

“Alright, keep looking.” Officer Lee turned back towards Old Major, who was standing at the fireplace. “No sign of any wolf. Do you know which way he might’ve gone?”

“He went up,” replied the pig without looking up from the pot in the fireplace. “And then he tried to come down. I barely had enough time to put this pot down here. He fell right in, and I closed the lid on him, and cooked him alive. I was planning on eating him.” Old Major looked up from the pot now. “He’d deserve it too. But then I’d be eating my brothers. I can’t do that.”

“So you’re saying that I’ve had men looking for a wolf that you’ve had in your fireplace this whole time?”

Old Major looked back down at the pot. “If you’d like to take the pot to the station Officer, I’d be happy to let you. It seems I don’t have an appetite for wolf any more.”

Old Major went up the stairs as Officer Lee walked over to the fireplace and looked into the pot to find still-rotting flesh. He turned on his radio again. “Boys, you can stop looking.”

Did you find the wolf, Officer Lee?”

“Nope, I found the pig’s brothers. And they don’t have a claw mark on them. I’d say they were bludgeoned to death.”

“So should we keep looking for the wolf?”

“There is no wolf! Just get back to the station. We don’t know if this pig has any tricks up his sleeve.”

“What was that? Did they find anything,” said Old Major as he came back into the room.

Officer Lee put the lid back onto the pot and turned to face the pig. “I was just examining your wolf corpse. I also just heard that the cops who were searching the woods found a pig. One of your brothers, in fact. He’s alive, recovering from the wolf attack at the station. If you’ll just come with me, we can go see him.”

Old Major looked confused, then started to smile. “Well that’s just wonderful! I told you they couldn’t be dead. Didn’t I?”

“You certainly did.” The bear and the pig walked out to the police car and got in, the bear in the driver’s seat and the pig in the back.

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