Humour

Republican Candidates Act Like There’s Actually A Possibility They Aren’t Running for President

Alex Anagnoson

2016 is going to be a big year. Republicans are scrambling to see who will become the nominee for their party in one of the biggest, most widely covered elections in a long time. Analysis of these presidential candidates through dictations and interviews makes clear who will be tearing each other’s throats open in a few months.

On Tuesday, Jeb Bush, brother of former US President George Bush and son of former US President George Bush, announced that he planned to create a Political Action Committee to “explore the possibility of a presidential run.” However, his Republican family isn’t fooled by the clearly transparent “PAC” that will soon turn into a full-on presidential run.

In an interview with the former President George Bush and his father, former President George Bush, the Elder, who is, by the way, about to drop dead at any moment, gave his opinion: “‘Exploratory committee?’ Exploring what? The only thing he’s ‘exploring’ is which one of his butt cheeks the others should kiss once he’s done with ‘em. It’s definitely bunk. Of course, he’s running.”

The former President has lauded his son’s choice to run. “Carry on the family name, that’s what I say. I think the world just needs to be a little bit worse off. And another Bush is just the way to do that. Isn’t that right, son?”

“He’ll probably lose, though,” added the younger former President. “He’s just the loser brother wannabe. No one holds a handle [sic] to George Bush. You know what they say: fool me once, shame on…shame on you. Fool me…you can’t get fooled again.”

“True,” stated The Elder, “but Jeb’s failure will be a good thing. He’s over-confident. He already has a “Mission Accomplished” banner hanging in his bedroom. He’s already thrown a victory party. He’s already gotten his mother to write his inauguration speech. He needs a good slap in the face. He needs a reality check. So 2016 is basically a win-win for Jeb.” The two Bushes then proceeded to high-five.

Donald Trump has also recently announced his plan to participate in the election.

“Jesus,” he stated, “they’re regarding Jeb Bush as their frontrunner? That’s pretty desperate. And that’s coming from me. I think I’ll make a reality TV show to fix this. I’ll bring in all these candidates who are trying to run for President. Whoever garners the most money from the Koch brothers to fund their corrupt campaign shall be my Vice President. I’ll call it…President’s Apprentice.”

Mitt Romney, another contender, also recently announced that he was “interested in running.” So The Sun Times had a sit down with an aide of his: his wife, Ann.

“Please. He’s already spent $1.5 trillion on a 2016 run,” she explained, “and it isn’t even February. There are two possibilities here. Either he’s running, or he’s just wildly generous. And I think we all know which possibility is more likely.”

Men won’t be the only people participating in the race, however. After being caught by a Times journalist crouching behind a bush, spying on a gay rights rally that was protesting her proposed constitutional amendment outlawing same-sex marriage (explaining, “I had high heels on and I just couldn’t stand anymore”), former Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann agreed to an interview with the newspaper.

“I don’t say homosexual acts are evil because I want people to like me. I don’t say that sodomy is a public health hazard to become popular. I say it because I believe it to be right,” the Congresswoman stated while the interview department tried desperately to refrain from laughing out loud. “There’s probably a 99% chance that I’m not running. But it’s just always good to keep an open mind,” the politician said, which of course makes it official that she will also be running.

The Times also decided to interview former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, in a new issue they call Sarah Unleashed:

“Will you run for President in 2016?”

“Well, see, John, now, that’s a very interesting question,” said the former Governor. “Now, with the media, you know, going at us in 2016, it’s gonna take more than a village for us to win. And here’s how we’re gonna do it: we go on offense, because we, the people, we realize that this is war. And we don’t sit on our thumbs, this next time, when one of our own is being crucified, and falsely accused of whatever the ‘hip’ accusation of the day happens to be! You know, racism, sexism, whatever. Really, it’s sort of Orwellian, observing how that works, that…rule of law. These disgusting charges from the left…you know, reverse ‘em! For it is they, who point a finger, not realizing that they have tripled that amount of fingers going right back at ‘em, revealing that they are the ones who really discriminate, and divide! It is they who defeat women, pimping this promise of ‘oh, they have to provide for the little ladies, because they’re…they’re women, they’re not capable’. That’s the left! So we go on offense, and we reveal the real war on women, on truth! And, you gotta know, John, you know, it’s also about job creation, too. That’s what it’s about. And in order for us to beat Hillary, we gotta create jobs, and I’m thinking about what kind of other, you know, sick factor the left is gonna use against us.”

“What?”

It looks like the Republican Party is divided for 2016, folks. With all these people ‘keeping the door open,’ it’s going to be a bloodbath. And the country is at the edge of their seat, waiting desperately for it to happen.

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